The sweetest melody: a birth story

I had fantasized and imagined the perfect birth so much that I didn't even think that anything else was possible. I was so unprepared for the reality that was Melody's birth...

Monday, September 18th, 2017

11:00 am

One week overdue according to my calculated due date, we started the day with a trip to the doctor's office. My vitals were fine. Baby's heart rate was healthy and strong and her positioning was just fine. We did see on the sonogram that the baby was now facing up with her back to mine which worried me as the doula had mentioned this positioning may bring on horrible back labor. I wasn't any further dilated than the doctor had estimated a week and a half prior to. My doctor reminded us of the signs of labor and mentioned that we would need to begin thinking about induction if we didn't see any progression soon.

10:00 pm

Mark and I eat dinner. I sit on my birth ball and commence dancing to every song during the VH1 Hip-Hop Honors show while feeling slight pains every once in a while. By the time I went to bed an hour later I asked Mark if the battery to the camera was charged and for him to put it in the bag. "I don't think you're going to work tomorrow."

Tuesday, September 19th, 2017

4:30 am

I began to feel the first few consistent pains. These were stronger than anything I'd felt up until this point so I knew this was it.

5:00 am

I'm wide awake and I'm certain that it's going down today. Mark wakes up and we begin to time contractions.

5:45 am

We've been in the living room for almost an hour now. Me on the floor with my pilates mat and birth ball working through the pain. The contractions were still pretty inconsistent at this point but I could definitely feel them when they came. Mark was on timing duty. I ate toast and drank water. Had no idea that would be my last meal for quite a while.

6:00 am

We began contacting our doula. I hopped in the shower to help subside the pain.

7:30 am

The doula arrives at our apartment and I'm fed up with the pain at this point. However, with her help I began taking much better control of each contraction. Breathing intentionally. Inhaling essential oils. Receiving counter pressure.

9:30 am

We arrive at Maimonides Medical center and make our way slowly through admittance and triage. By 10am we've been rudely addressed by a triage nurse, I'm only 3cm dilated and the contractions continue to come - without stopping.

Our doula helps me through, reminding me to breathe deeply - yes, when you're in this much pain you must be reminded to breathe, period. She applied counter pressure to my hips and rotates my leg, all of this helps distract me from the pain but there's no taking it away. On the other side of me is Mark, reminding me that I can do this and making sure I'm okay all while handling the paperwork and relentless questions from nurses. 

11:00 am

We're transitioned to a labor and delivery room. Here I realize that there's no way things are going to let up. Our nurse acknowledges that my contractions are off the chart and that there's no time between them, she offers me an epidural and I, in an effort to stick to the birth plan I said I wanted so badly, said no.

About an hour later I'm having second thoughts, at that point my doula and nurse have gone back and forth with each other: the doula telling the nurse that she's simply trying to help me cope with the pain while the nurse reminds her that her sole job is to make sure the baby is okay and keep the heart monitor on my belly. The issue here is that my doula wanted to help me by shifting positions (hands and knees, lying on my side, walking, squatting) and this countered the nurse's job as it made the heart monitor tracking the baby's vitals strapped to my belly move around. The nurse needed me on my back, at most maybe my side. Whatever the case, being in one place without the freedom to move was killing me and shortly after getting into the labor room I gave up on my birth plan and told Mark that I had to get the epidural. The nurse came back into the room to check on us and asked me again about the epidural.

"It's the only way you're going to get any rest" the nurse said knowingly. "Your contractions are not stopping, you need to rest to push. Once it's done I'll lower the shades and get you all covered with a blanket and you can get some sleep."

I nodded because this, compared to what I was feeling at the time, sounded like I would be relaxing on the beach in Cabo with a margarita in my hand while the breeze kissed my skin. I gave in, I said yes and asked her to tell them to hurry. 

A side note about contractions: nothing can ever prepare you for this feeling not even a conversation with the Virgin Mary, your mom and grandmother at the same time. Most people I asked compared it to period craps intensified. Yeah, that's kind of true (at least it was for me). Mine started that way and grew to be an combination of cramps with a pulling feeling around my entire waist while my whole belly got rock hard. It felt like a giant was trying to rip my hips apart. All of this layered with a burning pain shooting through my lower back. No position was suitable to live through this but I certainly could not take it lying down on my back hence why I reluctantly decided to surrender to the thought of getting some rest with the help of an epidural. 

1:00 pm

From the time I agreed to the drugs to the time the anesthesiologists entered the room I stared at the clock. In my mind I felt like I'd thrown my entire game plan out the window in a matter of minutes. I'd spent almost my whole pregnancy researching best ways to have a natural birth and the hiring of our doula was a huge part of that and with one nod of my head the whole plan was scrapped. 

The anesthesiology team enters the room and every one else is instructed to leave. Mark helps the nurse position me correctly on the bed so that they can safely put the needle in my spine. After that he too has to leave. 

"Epidurals have to be administered in a sterile environment, so everyone has to leave the room" I recall the nurse explaining. 

While the anesthesiologist and his team of students prepped the drugs they made small talk with the nurse chatting about the upcoming NFL season. I gripped the bed trying my best to be still while enduring the pain. My face spoke for me as I looked up at the nurse wishing they'd shut the fuck up about football. 

"Michelle's not interested in this guys" she said jokingly and I did my best not to swing on anyone. 

5 minutes felt like 30 and finally, and then pretty much immediately I felt relief. My legs went numb and then the contractions disappeared into thin air. The nurse hurried to get the monitor in place on my belly to regain tracking of Melody's heartbeat at the same time a familiar and smiling face walks in, one of my favorite doctors from the practice I've been going to enters the room to see how things are progressing. 

Just as I put my head down thinking I'm about to enjoy the best drug induced sleep of my 29 years, the nurse gets a little antsy. 

"How's the baby's heart rate?" my doctor asks.

"Not getting anything" the nurse responds.

They wait a few more seconds to get Melody's heart rate on the monitor and when nothing comes up the doctor quickly goes into action trying to stimulate my baby to get her heart rate back up. Another minute passes. Nothing. 

"Michelle, we're going to have to do an emergency c-section" she looks me in the eyes and says this in a calm yet firm tone that let me know this was definitive, not debatable. 

She ordered the staff needed to the room. At the same time I'm in tears because everything quickly flipped upside down and I couldn't help but feel guilty. This wasn't supposed to be the case. I hadn't planned to be cut open. I didn't even think about it being a possibility. 

My mind raced and I realized that my fiance and family all outside had no idea what was happening. I realize that the word emergency meant my baby was in danger and I started to think about the worst that could happen. 

I don't remember much else between leaving the delivery room and being rolled into an operating room. (After days of piecing together the story Mark told me that he was informed by a doctor or nurse that they had 3 minutes to get the baby out to avoid developmental complications.)

1:22 pm

Melody Joanna Torres is born via c-section. 

8lbs 4ozs + 21.5 inches 

I'm in the foggiest, drug induced haze of my life. The sheet dividing me from the work they're doing to deliver the baby looks like a mountain to me in this state. 

I hear her crying for the first time, but I'm actually unclear about what's going on.

I ask if that's my baby to no one in particular. Everyone in the room looks like that Mr. Krab blur meme and my eyes can't focus. 

I see Mark next to me, in scrubs, holding a little burrito bundle of baby. There she is, hi Melody. She's gorgeous and perfect and she's here. 

Welcome to the world baby girl!

My obsession with Melody Joanna begins.

Mommy's first attempt at a swaddle. 

___________________________________________________________

My Losses:

• That incessant whisper in the back of my mind that the c-section was my fault. That I should have been able to take the pain because that's what I (tried to) prepare for. 
• I was informed that epidurals cause babies heart rates to drop momentarily then they normally come back up. In Melody's case it did not come back up, so, was the epidural the cause? Hospital staffers (doctors) have claimed no, that this would have been inevitable no matter how long we waited. I don't believe that and I don't know what's true.
• Not getting that feeling like I actually gave birth. I was cut open. Baby was born. That just feels different. I know it's just as heroic and miraculous but I feel like something was taken away from me.
• Realizing too late that birth plans, doulas and natural deliveries are not made for hospitals, they work better in a birthing center or at home. Hospitals don't give a shit about your plan. 
• There was no joyous moment of tears and my baby being placed on me. There was no "birth song" even though we made a hell of a playlist. I don't even remember if I cried, honestly. I was too drugged up. I met my daughter in the recovery unit in a little curtained off area. She laid on me for a moment. I didn't get a good look at her face because I was so dazed I didn't really want to touch her too much. 

My Gains:

• Witnessing my guy be an absolute partner to me over the last 9 (actually more like 10) months and especially during the week Melody was born. Everyday he showed up after work so excited to see us. It was the best part of our day. Watching him introduce himself to her. Witnessing him relearn the definition of patience right alongside me. Knowing that he's supporting me and I'm doing the same for him. Melody has redefined partnership for us. 
• I'm killing it at breast feeding. Melody latched immediately once we were finally able to connect. She's so good at it now she can almost latch by herself and she's up to 10 lbs. I'm thankful for Judy, the nurse who encouraged me to just keep feeding her and cheered me on each day in the hospital letting me know it will get easier. And for Kadian, our doula who came over once we got home and within 30 minutes showed me how to latch her on properly and changed the whole game.
• Family, so many people have supported us in our transition to parenthood. Being able to have a cousin or a friend show up cook a meal and not ask any questions is a blessing. Additional arms to rock Melody to sleep. My brother dropping everything and making his way here the day after we brought her home. Good advice and ears to listen to our growing pains and triumphs, you all are our family. 
• I've accepted the slow down. Throughout my pregnancy I was antsy to get my "body back" and my "normal life back". I'll always have my passions, my interests and an innate desire to dance in the middle of a party with tequila in my hand but now I also have Melody. I have a little person to rediscover life with. I've made room for her and everything she's going to bring, the joys and the challenges. I'm comfortable with the transition my life is under.