39 Thoughts, 39 Weeks.

...we're 39 weeks today and that means the baby is officially done cooking. 

2017 has been a hell of a year for me and the crazy part, as I was reminded by my friend the other day, is that I've been pregnant for the entire year so far. Now that I've reached full term status with our baby girl things are getting real. At any moment I could be in labor and within hours, boom, I'm a mom. Leading up to this time I've been tackling things that need to happen prior to the birth of our little girl week by week. Check out child care options, look up pediatricians, hospital tour, CPR course, organize baby's clothes and all the tiny things we need to take care of her. That doesn't even scratch the surface. These days, no matter what I do in an effort to quiet my mind, my thoughts are all over the place. In no particular order, below are 39 random thoughts that summarize my hopes, excitement, gratitude and fears for what's to come with this new chapter. 

1. I really miss my high waist BDG jeans, especially the light wash ones. They give good illusion booty. 
2. I can't wait to have a good meal with a glass, er, bottle, of wine. 
3. How will becoming a mom affect my relationships with my friends? I'm literally the first mommy in all of my immediate friend circles. Until this year I've been able to up and go freely (as freely as my finances would let me). And now, I have a fiancé and a child which means things are going to be much different. I'm welcoming the change but I do wonder what friendships look like once you're a mom - the only mom. 
4. Just how real is this not sleeping thing about to get? Dear God please send us a peaceful baby who likes to sleep as much as her parents do.  
5. Are my party days over, like over, over? Going out and dancing isn't just something to do for me. It's necessary, it's cathartic, it's spiritual. 
6. When can I start working out? How should I train to get my body "back"?
7. Will these damn stretch marks go away or are my crop top days a wrap? If so I should have worn them waaaaaay more often in my life up until now. 
8. I'll be 30 next March. Holy fuck! But hey, I did always say I wanted to be a mom around 30. 
9. It's about time to transition back into healthy eating after letting myself indulge so often while pregnant. It won't be easy but goodbye pasta. Hello old friend quinoa. 
10. Who will our baby look like the most? I hear baby girls look like their dads. This is totally unfair but hey, he's cute so we're good. 
11. I HAVE to learn how to braid. 
12. What will she like about me? Will she like me? I hope that I'm someone she can be proud of. 
13. I can't wait to see her little face and learn how she likes to be taken care of. 
14. How exactly am I supposed to be fine leaving my three month old for 8+ hours a day? The doula explained to us that babies see themselves as an extension of their parents so when they're separated from us they experience physical pain. Whattt?? Why would you tell me that? Nooooo! 
15. Speaking of childcare. Word of advice, save up a small fortune in daycare fees before you have kids. 
16. I have got to figure out a way to manage my stress induced anxiety. I often allow stress to bring on anxiety which basically sends me into airplane mode. All I can do is the necessary to continue living. I lose interest in other things I enjoy and obsess over what's stressing me out. Sounds productive huh? Stress will only continue to come. I'm open to suggestions on how to manage it. 
17. If MJT decides in a few years to ask us for a little brother my response is already set: "You got little brother money?" Didn't think so.
18. I cannot wait until my body is ready for a good workout again. I'm planning to attend choreography classes with this dance teacher I've been obsessing over.  
19. Speaking of choreography, I hope MJT enjoys watching Beyonce concerts with me. It's mandatory. 
20. I'm so incredibly grateful for benefits and insurance. 
21. I want to do something with my life that benefits moms and families who don't have strong support systems. Going through this process I see how important support is and that's everything from being able to pay all of these astronomical doctor and laboratory bills (yep, even with insurance) to having someone to ask if you're feeling okay. 
22. Speaking of support, I've been blown away this year with the love Mark and I have received from our tribe of family, friends, and colleagues. For the friends and family who showed up to our baby shower(s) or sent something it may just be a gift to you all but for us it's our foundation to care for our child. It's money saved because you're kind enough to support us. Going through all of MJT's things makes me cry every time. No one had to do anything but you all have made it possible for us to get ahead at this parenting thing. 
23. When exactly do these hormones release their vise grip on my soul? Every, damn, thing, makes, me cry! 
24. Parents, I'm so grateful for mine being level headed, no bullshit, old school, God-fearing, by the book(ish), disciplinarians during my childhood. I definitely won't emulate everything they did but now that I'm grown I get it. Their style has prepared me for this. They raised a hell of a woman and I honestly look forward to being my daughter's mother because of the things they taught me. 
25. Family, I'm grateful for Mark's now being mine as well. The love they show me is unreal. 
26. How do moms manage pumping at work? Especially those who work in a meeting heavy culture? Especially those who are always team players and want to do all they can at work? Am I supposed to just tip out of the room with the pump in my hand? Ugh, awkward. 
27. What will my mom and dad be like as grandparents? I have a feeling she's getting whatever she wants from them but I do anticipate my dad teaching her that she has to "earn her keep". 
28. I can't wait for my grandmother to meet my daughter. 
29.  I often think about what she'll want to be and how raising her in New York will mold her in a different way. I grew up knowing I needed to escape the small town life in NC. I wonder where her heart will lead her. 
30. I'm afraid of the first time my heart breaks because of her pain. And the many times it will break afterwards.
31. I'm equally afraid of a day coming when she needs help and chooses not to come to me. 
32. I want to travel the world with her. Traveling has been a goal of mine for a while and if left in my hands 2017 was to be my year of exploration, however, plans changed. I can't wait for us to pack her up and take her to places beyond the world we've built in Brooklyn. 
33. I hope to maintain my sense of self while being a great mom. I don't want to abandon her dreams but at the same time I want to continue to pursue mine. I've always admired moms (professionals and celebs) who maintain their own goals while supporting their kids. 
34. An amazing pair of friends - a couple with a son who's just under two - warned Mark and I that we would "just be broke" for the first couple years. Sigh, okay. 
35. I'm looking forward to the things she's going to teach me and the passions she'll ignite or reignite in me because I get to experience life through her lenses. 
36. We currently do not practice religion in a formalized way. This will be totally different from the way I grew up. 
37. I'm excited to see her interact with Mark as her dad, he's going to be so good to her. 
38. How will being a mother change my music? What will I write about? Will I write differently? We shall see...
39. Melody, over the past few months we've worked really hard and been very blessed to build a safe space for you to live, grow, explore, learn and be whoever you're destined to be. That space is currently in a 3 bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. Sometimes that space won't be physical, it will be the emotional and spiritual connection that the three of us will share. Regardless, we love you already and we're ready for you to join us when you are.